Life is a battlefield

Took me years to realise. So many fights, punches, wins and of course, losses.

So many battles - not against them, but within ME.

Just to be in the ring, was already enough.

Then… the most difficult part, to win over only one opponent I had to win — myself.

It was never about them - they were there just set up by circumstances, universe, name it however you like. Just like another step I need to cross to come closer to finding out who I am, to show me my inner strength, my purpose. Just as I was there for them.

This is my favourite fight and my biggest win. (Yes, obviously I lost ;)

It was the 2021 Tokyo Olympic qualifiers tournament, something I was preparing for the whole year, physically, but more so mentally.

Funny enough… the story dates back to when I lived in Paris 12 years ago, where I started exploring world, my own resilience, survival, but also when I set myself out into the fire in fighting world, to see what I’m made of.

One day in that Paris gym where I used to train, this same woman showed up — on a big, speedy motorbike, looking serious (as today ;) ). They told me she was a cop and she came to spar me — already at that time she was an experienced pro boxer. And me? I was just young and curious Marija, who ran away from her hometown to avoid cheap wine and self-destruction and who came to taste everything world offered me at the moment — even the beating from the angry cop woman ;)

So she gave it to me. Blood was everywhere, I was surviving, coaches were shouting in French (even if it was Croatian, it wouldn’t help), she was giving it to me and finally they stopped the sparring (which was probably my secret hope). I wasn’t on that level — she knew it, I knew it, everybody knew it. And that is, I would even dare to say, beautiful.

That was the only time I saw her before life gave me exam (thank you life!).

Years and years ago, I continued fighting, training hard, changing countries, taking knowledge from coaches all around the world — I was driven like a maniac, this became my drug, something personal I couldn’t describe to anyone (even if I wanted).

I was proud and happy to see how far I am going and what I am becoming. Hard work did pay off. (as it always, but always does)

The official draw for Olympic qualifiers was done — and I was matched with her. I swallowed a knot in my throat and felt fear mixed with excitement (but honestly more fear than excitement ;)

I knew this was my personal test and I was ready to give all of me. In the beginning I may say I didn’t have so much faith that I can win, but as the months were going and as I was putting in all of me in my repetitive hard work, the faith was growing little by little, and I finally started to believe I deserve to win. As if this version of me who I was becoming was giving power and trust to … (finish the sentence)

Yes, she was more experienced, probably a bit stronger, she was still terrifying and in my head I looked at her like a mean terminator (sorry Maiva ;) and here I was — just a village girl with big heart who has a chance to save the world if I win against her!

At the end, she was human (at least I hoped) with two hands, two legs just like me! I started to believe in miracles. I was ready to surprise not only the world, but mostly ME.

The day has come (somehow they always do, right?).

I felt ready. I played it so many times in my head. All the possible scenarios. The hard work has gone, now there is only one thing to do — to go in with heart, to be in the most present moment ever, and to be myself… As my friend always told me — just be you, it’s all you have to do.

The energy in the changing rooms before the fights was insane. I never felt that intensity of anxiety, hope, dreams, testosterone, love, anger — just a crazy mix of emotions wrapped up in one room full of us — boxers, or just simple humans, who sacrificed a lot to be here and now.

Each one of us knew what the other one was feeling — at the end we had the same wish… Each of us had their story, their struggles and their reason WHY, and maybe that’s why we respected and felt for eachother so much.

As I was warming up (or trying not to burn!) boxers were coming back into the changing rooms — some with pure joy and proud, happy tears, and some with broken hearts (dreams) and sorrow on the face... One moment you are here, separated just by minutes that will decide our destiny (at the time)

It’s time.

As I stepped into the ring, everything just flashed back one more time. Paris, training, her (standing in front of me), my dear coach, my country, my childhood, my family. I nodded my head and made myself go back in the here and now — as I was looking at her on the other side of the ring, looking at me. She knew who I was, but I think she didn’t know I was crazy as her (neither did I).

I knew it — it’s now or never, Marija.

I just remember the bell at the beginning of the first round and everything in between (the whole fight) was like it happened in another world, in some in-between space where I was just doing ME.

We were throwing shots like crazy, round after round, with people screaming around us and almost in shock. My dear coach was like fighting with me, yelling exact words I needed to hear — you are pushing her away, she is going backwards, come on do it for your family and many other things. I was aware and heard him well, used that extra fuel but still stayed focused. I knew whatever I do, I must not stop throwing — the moment I thought to stop, I would instantly throw another 3 shots!

It really worked. I gave it all. Maybe first time ever. I won without realizing, because I dug so deep I never knew I had it…

The bell rang, the fight was finished. I had no thoughts. I did what I had to do, the rest was up to God, the Universe. Do I deserve to win? Definitely. Does she? Hell yes. This is the thing, when you give your all, there is nothing more you can do.

She got the win. I lost. Picked up the pieces of my heart, left the ring proudly, and cried myself out. All the versions of me were crying and realising all the emotions and energy, feeling sad but proud..insanely proud. (on all versions of me ;)

Of course, I would lie if I would say I wouldn’t want to win and go to Olympics. Later on, many coaches told me the win could go either way, and as much as that hurted and was making me feel proud -it didn’t change anything. Yes, I was sad and heartbroken, It took me time to make peace with it, but I had the choice…

And I chose to believe life is weird and probably it all happens for some reason… And I guess it’s not up to me to wonder too much — I chose to accept it and move on. Because as much as boxing was everything to me - it wasn’t everything. In life.

With endless gratitude and self-love. We fight for the versions of who we are becoming.

At the end we all strive for peace in our hearts and life is here to experience, and if by doing so I can inspire just one person, one little girl, then it all makes double sense.

Ah, boxing taught me so much. And it’s still teaching me.

I just knew I slept calm that night, knowing I did win.